Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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