Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
