It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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