how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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