true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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