I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
