1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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