New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize