Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
