Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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