Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
