i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she peed on how many people?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
