I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize