nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
