He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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