i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
