once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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