i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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