just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
