So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
