I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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