At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
