The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
