Tell her she can't have a vagina
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize