i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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