What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
