You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
