My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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