i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
