I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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