I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
