I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
