apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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