i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
