roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
