Ambien. No doubt about it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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