The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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