Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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