She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
