New invention idea: vibrating tampons
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
