I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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