my vag is so smooth its legendary
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
