My liver just broke up with me...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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