Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Even my vagina gasped.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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