Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize