forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
