Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
