The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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