I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
