so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he's gonorrhea incarnate
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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