I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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