that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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