Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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