It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
