I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
