i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
