So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
