Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
