Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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