I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize