You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
