come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize