I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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