I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize