bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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